Safety Net Clinical Training

This is the way to help people:

The Safety Net is hosting a clinical training August 17th, at the University of Utah college of social work, that will provide 7 social work CEU's:

The 1st Annual Safety Net Clinical Training Conference: Building Bridges of Safety, Collaboration, Education and Outreach; Working with Polygamous Family Systems, a Culturally Guided Approach to Service Provision.

Principle Voices actively supports the Utah/Arizona Safety Net and encourages every service provider, shelter worker, victim's advocate, therapist, and anyone else who may at some point find themselves working with a plural family, to attend this clinical training.

You can see the flyer for this training at the Plural Life link: Safety Net. The sponsor of this event is The Family Support Center, a fantastic organization that serves families in crisis, poverty, etc., to "protect children, strengthen families and prevent child abuse."

If you are interested in a registration form, send an email request to Pat.merkley at familysupportcenter.org.

Cardiology Visit Went Well

Great news on Friday - My daughter's heart has not worsened. The good news is that her heart appears to be stable and we even got better news: one of her heart valves is growing the way it should, and that valve is apparently the one that would be a harder repair. The other valve will likely need to be repaired/replaced in time, but is currently doing well. That valve is an "easier" repair, according to the cardiologist. She was pretty happy, and we are elated.

Holly got two tokens at the hospital, to use in the toy machines. She got a little silver necklace and a leather bracelet. She let her little sister wear one all day yesterday, which made her feel very special.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. :o)

Pediatric Cardiology Check-Up for Our Daughter Holly

My daughter Holly has a cardiology check-up Friday morning. She is now being seen every six months instead of every year because her cardiologist noticed a negative trend in her blood flow of her pulmonary artery. I admit I am worried. We've had good news for years from her doctors, even clearly some that surprised her doctors, and the last two appointments haven't been as easy.

My cardiologist and pediatrician have had to give me bad news before, some that left me crying. I hate to cry in front of my doctors; they're so wonderful, though, so professional and at the same time warm and calm. They deliver their news in a way that the blow is gentle even when it hurts.

At the last visit to the cardiologist, we were told that she was going to need another heart surgery. We always knew that was a possibility, but were happy and un-threatened every year she received glowing reports from her cardiology visits.

Holly was born with tetralogy of fallot, which is a specific heart condition only seen in people who have down syndrome (I've been told). She had four holes in her heart, a partially formed valve, a narrow pulmonary artery and her right ventricle was smaller than her left (a 60/40 [left/right] comparison).

Holly at 6 months, 1998:
She had open heart surgery at a year old. The surgeon used some of her own tissue, and some donor tissue, to reconstruct her valve, and repair the holes. He reconstructed the valve in a manner that created a better balance between the two ventricles than 60/40.

Throughout her first year, she needed oxygen initially at nights, then steadily more often until she was on oxygen round the clock. After surgery, she dramatically improved and went on oxygen only when she got pneumonia shortly after her surgery, or when she has been very sick over the years.

Holly with daddy the day of surgery, right before sedation, Oct. 1998:

Prior to her surgery, there were times when her arms and legs would become "mottled," with a slight purpling. Initially, she was hospitalized for observation. They told me she had "sluggish" blood; her circulation was slow. Well, what was happening was her heart had to work twice (or four times) as hard to pump oxygen into her body as normal.

We learned that Holly has long lungs (and an enlarged heart), a fact every x-ray technician appreciates being told (saving each one from having to repeat the x-ray for failure to capture all of the lungs).

Holly has never had to go on medication. When she got cellulitis a couple of years ago, she had a hard battle fighting that infection. Her cardiologist was out of the country at the time we went in to the hospital. The cardiologist on call who took her case immediately wanted to put her on heart medication, even though I explained to him that her regular cardiologist had not felt it was necessary. He wanted to send her home on it, too, along with her IV antibiotics (she had to be on those for over 8 weeks, round the clock). I resented sending her home on heart medication because she had never needed it before, and I wasn't convinced she needed it now on a permanent basis. Thankfully, shortly before we went home, Holly's cardiologist returned from her trip, and visited her at the hospital before we went home. She determined she didn't need the medication and cut it.

At Holly's last cardiology visit, we were told to watch for significant signs of heart issues. I was thinking, "shortness of breath" or breathing struggles, but the cardiologist said we needed to watch for any complaint of chest pain.

Holly hasn't complained of anything like that. She has had a cold the last few weeks and I've noticed the "mottling" again on and off, too. It happens occasionally when the seasons change and she gets cold, or when she's not drinking enough water. I can usually remedy it fairly rapidly if I pump in the fluids.

I'm genuinely nervous about Friday's visit. The cardiologist has said that they won't do another open heart surgery until the risks of not doing the surgery outweigh the risks of doing the surgery. It all sounds pretty terrifying to me, but I've been there before and I've faced this fear with my children many times when they've been sick.

The image that keeps coming into my mind is of her recovery shortly after surgery. She was in the PICU, with all kinds of tubes and wires all over her body. She was lying in her crib sleeping, which was the only time I felt I could sneak out to the go to the bathroom or grab something to it (when my husband or parents weren't there).

Holly, in PICU after heart surgery, with 4 IVs, 2 pacemaker connections, 3 drainage tubes, and 3 respirator tubes in mouth and nose; Oct 1, 1998, day of surgery:
Her crib was the first one you could see as you walked in the PICU doors. I left to get some lunch, and when I came back, Holly was sitting up with a nurse holding her and checking her vitals. Holly saw me and reached her arms out to me. I can't remember if she called out to me; I would have to look through my journal to remember if she was actually talking at that point.

All I know is that that moment said MOM in such an amazing way.

It's not the only time she has touched me so deeply. Her sweet spirit reached out to me before she was born, when I was pregnant with her. I was six months along when we found out she had tetralogy of fallot, and likely down syndrome. We were pretty shaken up, and after my husband headed back to work, I drove myself home in tears, and kept asking myself if we had done something to cause this to her, to inflict this condition on her. At the time, there was a possibility she wouldn't survive at birth, but that was just the beginning of her brushes with death.

I cried and cried, and then there was just a flash of knowledge in my mind, and I knew it was her: "I chose this body." It was just like that, this impression into my mind that was very firm, "I CHOSE this body," followed with, "You are my mom, stand up for me."

It came from her. It changed everything for me. I felt my responsibility as her mother to look out for my baby, to fight for her life and look out for her rights as a child with special needs (don't all our children have "special" needs, anyway? They're not clones of each other!)

I knew she had down syndrome, even though we didn't get the test until after she was born, and it didn't mean anything to me in the least. She wasn't broken or inflicted or cursed. She has down syndrome.

Holly is one of the most genuine, guileless, loving, gracious, thoughtful, talented human beings I have ever met. I have always felt that she brought faith into our family, faith and hope, and a reminder to slow down and pay attention to what is really important.

I don't want to lose her. I pray that all will be well, and that we will face whatever comes with courage and faith, and love.

Holly & her brother playing with the laundry 9 months after surgery, July 1999:



















Holly in Moab in 2006:

That was fun - and Kris WON!

Congratulations to Kris Allen for sweeping American Idol the last several weeks.

That was a great show. I really liked the top three this year, especially, and enjoyed the stars they brought out to sing with them tonight.

This is one of those shows we watch as a family, and it's been a fun season for us.

Kara DioGuardi Steals Bakini Girl's Thunder!!!

I really enjoyed when Kara showed up behind Bakini Girl to show off her fantastic, polished singing. Our family erupted with cheers, and laughed our heads off when she ripped open her dress.

Way to go, Kara!

Adam Lambert for American Idol

My absolute favorite song ever on sung on any American Idol is Adam Lambert's version of Mad World (based on the slow version by Gears of War). Believe me, I've had some favorites on American Idol in past seasons, particularly some of the clever versions of the last few seasons (David Cook & David Archuletta come to mind...). I already liked the Tears for Fears version song when I was in high school, and I discovered the Gears of War version a few years ago. When I heard Adam's version, I LOVED it! (My husband, on the other hand, hates it. Go figure.)

Here it is:



Here is the Gears of War version (the original video with children rearranging themselves into images on the sidewalk:



The Tears for Fears version:



Funny how I really liked that Tears for Fears version when I was a teen, but now that I'm 40, not so much.

I sure appreciated Adam's cover of it. That is one I would buy. Good luck to both competitors. Kris is immensely talented (and I have to admit that I probably would enjoy listening to Kris more often), but Adam is out of the ballpark.

Child Support

There has been a lot of discussion lately about child support, in response to news reports that Carolyn Jessop has filed a child support action against the father of her children, Merrill. I have been reading the blogs but I haven't had time to familiarize myself with the specific details/issues of their particular circumstances, and I'm not sure I care to.

I was a legal secretary for years and I can tell you that in general, "men" resist/resent child support and "women" resist granting visitations. I say this is the case in general because obviously it isn't true across the board, but it is a common problem the courts are consistently dealing with. This is why we have the Office of Recovery Services to collect child support directly from the paychecks of non-custodial parents, and why some legislators have tried to create laws to punish custodial parents (most often mothers) for persistently denying, or interfering with, visitations.

I don't have any knowledge about child custody matters or child support with FLDS families, divorces, separations, etc., but clearly they are going to have some of the same problems that exist in the larger society, exacerbated by the fact that there is such a great divide between their world and ours.

On the blogs, for the most part, people have done pretty well discussing the issue without stereotyping all plural families, but there is still a tendency to paint all polygamists with the same brush (and all FLDS...), and frankly, some personalities blatantly encourage it. Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time giving any credibility to arguments that polygamy is to blame for "societal" ills that already permeate society as a whole, and which are found throughout monogamous families.

My experience with plural families is that you find a lot of diversity in how they deal with life's twists and turns, just like you find a great deal of diversity among monogamous families in larger society. You find good parents, nurturing and loving parents, and you find some not so good ones. You find fathers who are very involved in their families and with their children, and fathers who aren't. You find divorce and the challenges of divorce. You find fathers who work hard to provide for their children, who pay child support as best they can, and some who do more than that, and you find fathers who shirk it, and actively try to avoid it.

I believe parents have an obligation to support and care for their children, and no father is entitled to shirk that obligation.

Here are some basic facts about child support:

It is for the support and care of the child, and cannot be waived by either parent; it is considered the child's right. The child has a right to be supported by both parents.

Nowadays, both parents are expected to pay child support toward the care and maintenance of the child if both parents are capable of working. That means that both the non-custodial and the custodial parent ARE expected to work (if they are able to work, i.e. if they are not disabled), and financially contribute to the care of their child(ren).

The traditional idea of women custodial parents living on child support (and alimony) paid by the non-custodial male parent is changing. If a woman can work, regardless of the ages of her children, or the number of children, she is generally expected to work.

Women rarely receive alimony any more, and if they do, it is generally limited (such as to provide her with sufficient time to become capable of supporting herself). Of course, the circumstances of the marriage will be taken into consideration, which could allow for alimony for a lengthy period of time, or until the woman remarries. Occasionally, a man can receive alimony from a very wealthy wife, but that is also rare.

If the custodial parent is the father, the mother could be required to pay child support. If her income is very small compared to his, her share will be small.

This is how it works:

The number of children for whom child support needs to be computed is determined. Each parent's gross income is listed. If either party already has a prior child support obligation, that is subtracted from that parent's gross income. If either party has children currently in the home that s/he supports, a worksheet must be completed to determine the financial obligation of that party to those children. The portion of income dedicated to children in the home is then subtracted from that parent's gross income.

Can you imagine how complicated this can get if a parent has children with several different exes, and if those exes have children with exes?

Here are a couple of scenarios from the monogamous world, just for fun.

Troy & Shelly:

Troy marries Shelly and they have three children. They divorce, with Shelly getting custody of the children and Troy paying child support calculated on the fact that Shelly works but makes about half of what Troy makes.

Troy remarries and has three more children and his wife Carrie is a stay-at-home mom (going to college) so they live on his remaining income after child support. Shelly has another child but does not marry, and that guy gets paid under the table and is consistently unemployed, shirking any child support obligation she might win. Then she has a second child from a third relationship, but that father dies.

When Troy's child support is reviewed after five years, Shelly now has two additional children in the home, and she is the sole provider for at least one of them. Troy has since had another child and now has four children in the home, for which he is the sole provider. The child support would be computed taking into account both parents' other obligations, as well as their joint obligation to the children they share.

If one of Troy's & Shelly's children decides to swap parents (the grass is always greener!), it requires a split custody child support computation which can also be complicated, especially when you're trying to factor in multiple child support obligations.

Let's say three years later, Troy's wife Carrie finally graduates from medical school and is now working as a doctor making a decent income. The next time Troy's child support obligation is re-evaluated, his financial obligation to the set of children he has living in his home will be computed along with his wife's income (he is no longer the sole provider), which frees up a larger portion of his income for use in the child support computation with his ex-wife Shelly.

Scenario 2, Rod & Lacey:

Rod & Lacey get married on a lark, break up after two weeks and file for divorce. Lacey discovers she is pregnant and Rod tries to be supportive, wants to help, etc., but Lacey doesn't want him to see the child or have any access to the child. Lacey disappears and Rod can't find her.

Rod remarries and has two children. He and his wife both work and struggle to make ends meet. Ten years into the marriage, Rod is served with a child support order, including demand for 10 years retroactive back child support. Rod challenges it in court, and argues that he did everything he could to find his child and to pay his child support obligation, but Lacey moved several times, returned checks he tried to send to her and told him to stay out of their lives. Rod loses, and is ordered to pay current child support and also awarded back child support for the last ten years, an award that is over $20,000. Lacey gets a judgment and Rod's joint tax refund is seized to partially meet it. Rod's wife files paperwork for the return of her joint tax return, and she gets it several months later. They set up a payment plan with ORS to pay current and past child support.

Scenario 3, Lewis & Shawna:

Lewis and Shawna date and have a baby. They move in together and have a second child. Lewis has a hard time holding down a job, and when Shawna learns she is pregnant a third time, Lewis ditches out. A couple of weeks later, Lewis has moved in with a new girlfriend, Jennifer, a single mother of three who was awarded the family home in her own divorce, works a full time job and constantly fights with her ex husband over child support.

Shawna turns to the state for public assistance, moves in with her mother in order to have a babysitter while she works to make ends meet, and Lewis complains that he injured his back on the job, and can't work. Lewis picks up the kids sporadically to see them, sometimes showing up an hour late, other times not showing up at all. Things start looking up when Lewis finally gets a job and Shawna gets two or three child supports in a row. She starts to count on the money and plans for it. Then only 1/2 of the money arrives, and Shawna and Lewis argue and within a few more weeks, Lewis has lost his job again. No more money.

After another long period of unemployment, Lewis and Jennifer break up and she kicks him out. Homeless, Lewis reaches out to Shawna who is bitter but lets him stay with her, her mom and the kids. Lewis feels badly about everything, and starts to talk to Shawna about possibly taking him back. He cleans up, gets a job, and Shawna thinks there really might be a chance. She takes him back and all is okay, not perfect, but okay for a couple of weeks. Then he starts staying out all night, missing work, and loses his job. Shawna finds herself supporting not only their children and herself, but Lewis, too. After a few weeks of this, she kicks him out.

************

The above situations are all drawn from real life people I have come in contact with over the years, either in my work as a legal secretary or in my neighborhood.

The hard cold truth is this: courts are clogged with child custody and visitation disputes, and taxpayers are shouldering the tab to the tune of millions of dollars in unpaid child support. In general, we as a society have not solved the problem of making parents accountable for caring for, providing for, and nurturing their children.

Ideally, parents would see past their personal disputes with each other and put their children first in all that they do. Hopefully one day we will get there.

Back to the Gym - Gold's Gym

I have a membership at Gold's Gym, but I haven't been since we moved a year ago, and for a couple of years before that, I only went sporadically. It's tough when you don't have a work-out buddy. I have a Health Rider at home, and an elliptical machine, which I have done fairly regularly with some gaps over the last year.

Well, I did the treadmill Saturday at the gym and some weight training and abs, but today I worked with a trainer and it really pushed me to a place I haven't been in awhile. I have always been a little nervous that I either over-work or under-work and don't really accomplish what I'm trying to do.

This morning I set up some appointments and agreed to a commitment over the next year to work with a trainer consistently, twice a month, to stay on track, monitor my progress, etc.

They measured my body fat (OUCH!), and will help me with my nutritional needs (diet), as well as provide me with a training schedule for four weight training days each week!

I am SO EXCITED!

I said this was the year that I would finally get this weight off and I am determined that I WILL succeed.

I'll be taking a before picture, and when I am ready, I'll make it available - Oh gosh, if I can STAND it! I saw in the news that Kirstie Allie has put a lot of weight back on, and I am rooting for her to strip it back off! Good for Valerie Bertinelli to cheer her on and offer her support. We ALL NEED encouragement and belief in ourselves. Go KIRSTIE! I'm rooting for you!

My goal is to lose 35 pounds in the next year. I am not going to be relying on the scale to monitor my progress. I will be instead monitoring my body fat % and pant sizes. That'll be more fun that stepping on a scale. Besides, muscle weighs more than fat so I know the scale will be unreliable at times.

I want to add that my husband is such a wonderful, loving and nurturing support! He hasn't always been the best at positive motivation (he used to be more of a negative motivator), but we've worked together to communicate with each other what we need from one another. Growing together takes some work, but is very rewarding.

Dh and my parents are my tremendous support team and I really appreciate them!!!

Wish me success! And, if you wish, JOIN me on my work-out pledge!

Book of Abraham Project

The Book of Abraham project website is quite extensive and offers full books online, including The History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, by Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, texts of addresses by LDS Church Presidents, documents of the early Christian Church and other ancient texts, diaries, journals and histories of some early Mormons and others who knew Joseph Smith, jr., writings of Hugh Nibley, and many more.

This is good collection of documents, and I'm sure is the tip of the iceberg of what this project could eventually become.